We as humans overwhelm ourselves just in attempts to stay busy. Nothing to me is a state of mind that I aspire to be in so I can have a clear conscience, and a clear mind so that I don't make rash decisions. I often over think many things, I overthink things so much that I push them off until the last moment until I ended up on the ICU list very recently which gave me a sort of reality check. What I do and how hard I push myself is not healthy for me. I often push myself beyond the limits until I break myself. We all as people need to just take a few steps back, relax, de-stress and get into a state of "nothing."
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I don't have a favorite memory in particular but looking back I really am fond of all of the memories that I made just by simply fighting with my older brother, Cole. My older brother was my only sibling so we never had a "happy medium sibling" in between us. Looking back I realize that I was one of the worst youngest sibling in the world. From throwing TV remotes, to sneaking into his room and touching all of his stuff, I knew just the right ways to irritate him. But I am glad to say that I learned valuable life skills by being an annoying pest. The most valuable life skill that I learned is that I how to take a good punch to the face.
My biggest New years resolution was to get my Entertainment speech written, here is a copy below:
Ladies and Gentlemen it’s time to see inside of your brains! This is what usually goes on in somebody’s mind. (Hold up positive thought bubble.) But not me. This is what goes on inside of my mind. (holds up negative thought bubble) If you’re a loser like me then you usually have thousands of bad things happen to you at every waking moment of every day. For example, have you ever put toothpaste on your toothbrush just for it to fall into the sink leaving you full of disappointment and self-hatred? Ever stub your toe on a hard surface? Ever left a shower only to realize that your towel is nowhere to be seen? If the answer to any of these questions is a resounding "YES!" then congratulations! You’re a loser! We losers take several losses or “L’s” in our lifetime. These “L’s” can range anywhere from college rejection letters and horrible ACT scores to going to the bathroom and realizing that there is NO TOILET PAPER WITHIN A 500 MILE RADIUS. Some people are just losers, but that is not always a bad thing. Luckily you have me, a professional loser to show you the ins and outs of winning at losing! So today we will first stumble down the loser walk of fame, then stuff our face with tips from the pyramid of the biggest loser, and finally we will seize our lifetime of losing. There is a long, long, and I mean loong list of qualities that could make someone a loser. According to DUMB LITTLE MAN TIPS FOR LIFE (THAT IS THE ACTUAL CITATION) these qualities include pessimism, gossip, slander and other unmentionable things. There have been losers since the dawn of time because in our competitive society, we have awarded the winners while desecrating the defeated. Games, fables, even staring contests must end in triumph or failure. I remember the first time I was an epic dud. I can see it now, I was roughly around the age of 8 when I decided to compete in a very intense hula hooping competition. To me this competition was a life or death situation, so I practiced at every moment that I could, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what happened on the day of the match. Let’s just say I was in for a real surprise when I saw several kids hula hooping with more than one hoop. Regardless I pushed forward, walked in front of the judges with my one hoop, began the hula-ing, only for it fall to my feet five seconds later. Embarrassed, stressed out, and flustered, I did what any normal kid would do in this situation, I promptly wet myself in front of every single judge, parents and competitors. In fact they felt so bad that they had to give me this trophy. (shakes it off). As traumatic as that was, I am not alone in my loserdome. Society has provided multiple loser role models to make me feel better about myself. When we forget all of life's problems and focus on other losers, it makes our own lives a lot easier. Some of my favorite role models are the iconic 90s child actors now because they are all trainwrecks! When was the last time you saw a movie besides “Home Alone” starring Macaulay Culkin? And lets not forget about sports. The Cleveland Browns are all too familiar with losing, considering they have a 0 and 16 record. Besides the 90s child actors and the browns, but some losers don’t stay losers forever. Here is award winning actor and producer Brad Pitt, who obviously wasn’t a loser for very long. However, he may be rejoining the loser community after losing the most beautiful woman in the world, Angelina Jolie. Now that we have stumbled down the loser hall of fame, lets stuff our face with tips from the pyramid of the biggest loser. In order to become a successful loser, us losers have a strong reputation that we need to uphold. So here is the pyramid of the biggest loser (Sound effect). Not to be confused with the show “The Biggest Loser” this is my personal guide to the ins, outs, ups, downs, insides, and outsides of LOSING. To use this guide correctly one must simply CLIMB THE PYRAMID. (sound effect). So here is an actual representation of me climbing this monstrosity. (Pull out muscular figure of Logan) The runner must first… wait.. Runner.. Ha.. THE WALKER MUST FIRST begin with the foundation of the loser pyramid. This is what we losers like to call the “initiation phase” everyone can do these tasks, but only the best of the best can execute these missions perfectly and seamlessly, without anything going wrong. The initiation phase usually begins with simple things like chewing with your mouth open, and not picking your feet up when you walk. The second tier of the pyramid is only for the experienced few, including tasks that are much more challenging, like telling your waiter “you too” when they tell you to enjoy your meal. And going to target only needing to buy shampoo but then spending $50 and forgetting the stupid shampoo. Now, the tip of the pyramid must be approached with EXTREME CAUTION as these are tasks that should only be executed by a professional. These professional losers make sure to give advice to others like, ALWAYS reply to spam mail. One of them has got to be a real Nigerian prince who needs help accessing his royal bank account. Now that we’ve stuffed our face with tips from the pyramid of the biggest loser, let’s embrace our lifetime of losing. All joking aside, the reality is that we are all going to lose at something. Just look at me, I have definitely not won every race. We all have strengths and we all have weakness. That’s what makes us human. That’s what makes us individuals. That’s what makes us real. I know I will never be able to hula hoop as well as those kids who kicked my butt that day, but atleast I tried. Being a loser teaches us all resilience. The world needs a slew of bad examples to inspire us to find the good. I mean, I wasn’t labeled as the oops baby for nothing. If the substandard was acceptable, we would still be living in caves and cooking over a fire. Innovation is the product of invention. Even the Chocolate Chip Cookie, one of the most notable American treats was the product of a culinary catastrophe. Thomas Edison most notably said, “I have not failed, I have found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” See thomas edison was a huge loser but without him we’d all be sitting in the dark! Right now, I am in a point in my life that I am finding a lot and I mean a lot of things that don’t work. But with each “L”, I am learning that I can be so much more than the person I was before. And I am excited to see who I will be tomorrow - while still embracing my quirky character. Well, congratulations! I have decided that you all are winners at losing! So today we first stumbled down the loser walk of fame, then stuffed our face with tips from the pyramid of the biggest loser, and finally we seized our lifetime of losing. I used to feel like this (Holds up loser thought bubble) But now after giving it some thought, I am like this (Holds up positive loser thought bubble) (plays user sound effect) Sounds like music to my ears. |
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May 2018
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