1. My friends (Taylor, Jennifer, Lucy)
2. Reality TV (The Kardashians) 3. Food (La Cocina) 4. Movies/Theatre 5.Sleep 6. 2 hour naps 7. Overwatch
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Here are a bunch of corny jokes that make me hate myself.
1. What do you call a fake noodle? An Im-pasta! 2. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot! 3. What kind of cheese isn't yours? Nacho cheese!. 4. What do you call a mile of cats? A meowtain! 5. Why did the yogurt go to the museum? Because it was cultured! 6. What's a pepper that won't leave you alone? Jalapeno business! 7. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles! 8. What kind of room can't you enter? A mushroom! 9. What do you get when you decorate for Christmas? Tinselitus! 10. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! I have many quotes that I like to live my life by. The following graphics are my top 5 quotes to live by. My favorite part of my day is at three o'clock in the morning. One reason why I love this time of day is because is because, I am always sleeping. For most people waking up at three o’clock in the morning is one of the most miserable, dreadful times of their life. But I have never had an issue where I had woken up at three in the morning.
Ladies and Gentlemen it is my pleasure to announce..
Keeping up with the "Fam Bam" This is my own personal twist on the reality show Keeping up with the Kardashian's. Except this family consists of my friend group "The Fam Bam" In all honesty we all have pretty exciting lives and extremely different personalities. But the thing that would sell the show would be all of the drama between us, but it always brings us back and makes us all closer with each other. Have you ever had a teacher yelled at you because you annoy them so much? Neither have I! But why not?Today I am going to inform on a very special topic, one that i’m sure we have all done at some point of our lives. How to annoy your teacher in class. One of the many steps is a classic
Classic raising your hand When performing this, you are going to simply raise your hand until the teacher calls on you. When the teacher calls on you, make direct eye contact with them, and simply say “I forgot.” A few seconds later, when the teacher begins talking again, raise your hand and blurt out “I remember!” and when they call on you, claim that you forgot once again. Repeat as many times as possible until the teacher cries about their job. Talk while they are talking While your teacher is teaching the lesson, turn to one of your neighbors and begin talking as loud as you possibly can.Make sure that your neighbor just looks at you awkwardly, and the teacher stops talking. For this writers choice I'd like to share my completely revised entertainment speech that I wrote and has been doing super well!
Alright let's address the elephant in the room, and I’m not talking about myself here. I am talking about how we all want to be winners. But in reality the majority of us are going to be losers. And I’m not saying this because I love self-deprecating jokes, it’s because I am a loser. And if you are like me then you usually have thousands of bad things happen to you at every waking moment of the day. These are what we losers like to call losses or “L’s” Some examples are: putting toothpaste on your toothbrush just for it to fall into the sink leaving you full of disappointment and self-hatred. And stubbing your toe on almost every surface. And getting out of your shower to realize that your towel is nowhere to be seen. If ANY of these have happened to you then congratulations! You just might be a loser too! But that is not always a bad thing. Luckily you have me, a professional failure to show you the ins and outs of winning! ... at losing. So today we will first stumble down the loser walk of fame, then we will sprint through the levels of Losers, and finally we will seize our lifetime of losing. There have been failures like myself since the dawn of time because in our competitive society, we have awarded the winners while desecrating the defeated. Games, fables, even staring contests (stare someone down and lose) must end in triumph or failure. I remember the first time I experienced my first big “L” and began my journey down the loser walk of fame. I can see it now, I was roughly around the age of 8 when I decided to compete in a very intense hula hooping competition. To summarize I ended up uh… sprung a leak from the lower decks if you know what I mean, and I got last place. BUT I DIDN’T LEAVE EMPTY HANDED. They felt so sorry for me, that they decided to give me this trophy. This is a back end of a horse.. I don’t know what this has to do with hula hoopin, but that’s okay. ANYWAY this was the very traumatic event put me on the red carpet. But thankfully I am not alone in my loserdome. Society has provided multiple “has-been” role models to make all losers feel better about themselves. Some of my favorites consist of the iconic 90s child actors now because they all seem to be trainwrecks! When was the last time you saw a movie besides “Home Alone” starring Macaulay Culkin? I mean just look at him! I guess this is what happens when you are home alone. You become a drug addict. He definitely deserves to join the red carpet. And since I should probably appeal to all audiences here, let's talk about sports. The Cleveland Browns are making history with their LEGENDARY 0 and 16 record. That's almost similar to how many dates I’ve been on compared to my mom in the past year. Our last red carpet example has not stayed a failure his whole life. Here is the award winning actor and producer Brad Pitt. I know what you are thinking, how could Brad Pitt be a loser? WELL ON SEPTEMBER 13th, 2016 OUR LIVES WERE CHANGED. AND NOT FOR THE BETTER. Brad Pitt joined the “L” community after Angelina filed for divorce, which resulted in Brad losing the most beautiful woman in the world. (Sniffle) Now that we have stumbled down the loser walk of fame, let’s sprint through the levels of losers. In order to become a successful failure, there is a strong reputation that we need to uphold. So we must sprint through the LEVELS OF LOSERS. Now I might go through these levels pretty fast so you might want to take some notes to see what level of loserdom you have achieved. Oh hey, good job! (Insert how many judges are in the room) is/are prepared. The rest of you are already pro’s. Anyway The SPRINTER must first… wait.. sprinter.. Ha.. THE WALKER MUST FIRST begin with the first level of losing. This is what we pro’s like to call the “initiation phase” because everyone can do these tasks. These level one’s usually being with simple “loserish” things like substituting mint gum for brushing your teeth in the morning. And their favorite outdoor activity is … going back inside. Now the level two’s are the more experienced losers. These are the people who cannot distinguish which way is Left unless they make an L shape with your left index finger and thumb. They can do tasks that are much more challenging, like telling a waiter “you too” when they tell you to enjoy your meal. Now the level 3’s are your professionals. The tasks that they do must be approached with EXTREME CAUTION because of their complexity and difficulty. These professionals make sure to give advice to others like, “If the snow is yellow, it means it is lemon flavored.” AND “always reply to spam mail.” because one of them has got to be a real Nigerian prince who needs help accessing his royal bank account BUT HE NEEDS YOUR social security number, date of birth, mothers maiden name, and the name of your first pet. But no matter what level you have achieved, each and every loser can agree that eating tide pods are SO out of style we have moved to more sophisticated things. For example did you know that there is TONS of pink cotton candy inside the walls of almost EVERY single house! Now that we’ve sprinted through the levels of losers, let’s seize our lifetime of loserdom Now after going through all of the levels of losers, there is only one thing standing in your way of becoming the best failure that you can be. You have to recite the professional loser oath. So let’s raise our right hands and feel free to join in if you know it. “I solemnly swear to always renew that gym membership that I will never use, always offer moral support regardless of my questionable morals, and to always be the best loser that I can be.” All joking aside, Just because something doesn’t work out, or fails miserably, don’t ever give up on yourself. The reality is that we are all going to lose at something. I mean, just look at me, I have definitely not won every race. We all have strengths and we all have weakness - it is the very thing that makes us human. It makes us real. I know I will never be able to hula hoop as well as those kids who kicked my butt that day, but at least I tried and I learned. Being a loser teaches us all resilience. The world needs a slew of mistakes to inspire us to appreciate the good. For example, chocolate chip cookies were the product of a horrible biscuit-baking accident. Someone made some really crappy biscuits - by biscuit standards - but by cookie standards, they made one heck of a cookie! You know, I’m kind of like a chocolate chip cookie. By the standards of marriage-saving babies, I may have failed but I made one heck of a bargaining chip in the divorce, but like the chocolate chip cookie it turned out okay. Right now, I am at a point in my life where I am beginning to appreciate and find meaning in a lot of things that simply don’t work out. So whether we inconveniently step on a Lego, or we fall down 20 flights of stairs, let’s take our “L’s” and wear them proudly on our foreheads, because being a loser is something everyone can win at. Regardless of who wins today, or who loses, we are all losers in our very own special way. I am really bad at hula hooping, I get the feeling that you might be horrible at math and you might be the awful at spelling. All of these little things that each of us are bad at all make us apart of one big loser family. Today we first stumbled down the loser walk of fame, then we sprinted through the levels of losers, and finally we seized our lifetime of loserdom. If you take anything away from this, just remember that you can’t spell failure without U and I. Growing up as a kid I always thought that my life was pretty lame because my family was never one to travel out of state, go to 5 star resorts or go on cruises. But I would say that I have done some pretty okay things in my lifetime. Well I guess they aren't necessarily things that I've done, but they are relationships that I have formed and friendships that I have made that make my life meaningful.
1. Although my family isn't together, I do have a good relationship with all of my family members. 2. My friends and especially my "Fam Bam" because it's like I am basically raising three teenagers who are completely incompetent and would die without me 3. My other friends outside of my "Fam Bam" because they are the ones who have made me who I am today, and I would be nothing without them. People like Taylor Smith, and Jennifer Rodriguez are two people I will always remember. |
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
May 2018
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